Some Report Cards I Found

Nicola has been a first class Head Girl – intelligent, determined and insightful – and we are sorry that she is leaving us before the end of term. Everyone here at Bahoochie Academy will miss her singlemindedness and her devotion to the school. However, it is that very singlemindedness – which has so often been a strength for her and the school that has occasionally caused conflict, not least with Mr Salmon in PE and Mr Ross in Accounting. While we are pleased and grateful that her deputy has been so willing to take over, we believe it will be a long time before we again see a young leader of Nicola’s capabilities. We are saddened that she has been denied the place in Law at the University of Edinburgh which she coveted but we wish her every success with her Creative Writing course.

Jacob has completed his prep school career at St Fumbles in the Forest in a typically idiosyncratic fashion. He is a particularly other-worldly little boy whose head is in the clouds, or indeed, one might say the Heavens! His tenure as Chairman of the Debating Society has seen the previously small membership of the club decline further, and this may be due to the various arcane formalities, including the mandatory wearing of tailcoats, which Jacob has introduced. His best – and favourite – subject is Religious Education, where even Rev Carey is impressed both by his fervour and his knowledge: it’s not every 12 year old who can master Ancient Aramaic. At the same time he does need to watch his progress in other areas. Ms Reeves in Economics noted that his recent essay ‘The Potential Benefits of Leaving the Common Market’ was beautifully written but factually inaccurate. He leaves us for Eton; I’m sure he will find friends there.

No one can pretend that Harry has had a successful academic career here at Fundaments, and we await his A Level results with some trepidation. Still he has qualities of good humour and athleticism which will surely take him somewhere – possibly into agriculture or the Forces – and which have endeared him to many members of the school community, not least our American exchange visitors. Harry does need to control himself in a more mature way; we are all sympathetic to the tragic issues he has had to deal with at such a young age, but they are no excuse, for example, for his thoughtless behaviour at the Fancy Dress Ball. On a happier note, we are all very pleased that he has recovered from his recent skiing injury; I know Matron enjoyed helping him with that.

I know that Douglas was very disappointed not to be chosen as Captain of the St Philistine’s football team; we do think, however, that he must master his temper. The language he directed towards Coach Sarwar was unforgiveable, though it does him credit that he immediately apologised. It may be that that experience stood him in good stead when he failed to be nominated as Head Boy. We like Douglas, and he has worked hard to achieve his commendable results both academically and in the refereeing course he has undertaken as part of the Duke of Edinburgh’s Award. He has proven to be a surprising asset to the Debating team, with a ready wit. In general, we admire his ambitiousness and we hope his apprenticeship goes well.

The decision to expel Boris was taken after a great deal of soul-searching; expulsion is never a desirable outcome for either party and Boris is, of course, a very clever and engaging young man. But here at Jehovah Butlins we pride ourselves on honesty, and Boris has, to put it bluntly, lied, lied and lied again. The first incident, as you are well aware, led to a young female matron having to leave the school; Boris claimed, on that occasion that he was ‘in Monaco staying with a friend’ when, quite conclusively, we knew he had been in the medicine cupboard for an extended period. The last straw – and again, everyone has been through this in painful detail – took place in the senior boys’ dormitory on Hallowe’en when at least 57 individuals took part in a Masked Ball at which Boris, dressed as Nero, was paraded about in the wheelchair belonging to the former Head Janitor, Mr Heath. Despite the evidence, Boris claimed to have been studying Pliny the Younger in the Library. I have no idea what the future holds for this amiable, messy chap; it would not surprise me at all to learn in the future that he was Prime Minister, or indeed, that he was imprisoned! But we wish him well. 

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